general conference day two

 Like I had stated in my previous post, every six months the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints members meet together for two days to hear from prophets, seers, and apostles. This is my reflections from day two of general conference.

As you can see from the picture here, Jaden and I had the opportunity to go to the conference center down in Salt Lake City and hear in person the talks by the general authorities. In between sessions we did make our way over to the Visitor's Center and got to take a picture with the Christus. It was a very sacred and special, trip for the both of us. Because, little fun fact about us, our first real official date as a couple was down to general conference for the April 2016 Saturday afternoon session. This was the day we both realized we we going to be in each other's lives for a long time. So going back, together now as a married couple, was truly special.

So many impressions and thoughts came from day two of general conference. Lately I've been feeling like I haven't been able to meet the standards that I really wish I could. Things like having a happy heart all the time and being able to reconcile from my faults that I have done unto others and that others have done unto to me. Now, if you did get the chance to listen to Sunday morning's session, you would know that Elder Jeffrey R. Holland TOTALLY chastised people who have a hard time forgiving and forgetting. AND that Neil L. Andersen talked about having peace in your heart to be happy with what you have been through.

It's like tons of bricks were pulled off of my shoulders and that my redeemer was sitting there next to me, holding me and telling me that HE KNOWS what I have been through. That He wants me to forgive and try to be forgiven, and that He knows the pains that are in my heart and wishes me nothing but peace. But He told me that He cannot give me peace until I DO MY PART.

The biggest thing that I've struggled with, honestly since the day I was baptized, was that I envied people who came from a family who has lived the gospel their whole lives. That were sealed to their parents before they were even born. I envied it. I had an easier time making friends with people who were also converts, simply to avoid being around people who take the gospel for granted.

I've had an even harder time adjusting to my husband's family. They are a family that has had the gospel taught and lived by their relatives since the beginning of the church. AND on both sides of his family. I LOVE my family to the ends of the earth, but after tasting of the goodness of the gospel and seeing how it has changed my life, I want nothing more than to bring them unto the church.

I didn't want to get sealed in the temple because I knew the only people that were going to be in the sealing room for me was my friends. Not a single family member of mine was able to go in and see and participate in such a sacred event in my life, that I truly longed for them to be apart of. My parents and sisters are the best things that have ever happened to me, and I respect their decisions to not want to join the church. So I've stopped being pushy and have instead learned to show them the gospel through example.

However, I still envied Jaden for having not just his mom and dad in the room, but his grandparents, his aunts, his uncles, his cousins, his siblings, and his friends. I wanted so badly to have my own father be the witness. But that didn't happen.

Now where I struggle with Jaden's family is that I am WAY too judgmental of them. I've been hypocritical in judging them for not being what I expect them to be but also condemning them when they try to suggest something to me that I could do better. Jaden's family loves and does their best to live the gospel each and every day. Yet, for some reason, I didn't think they were good enough.

Since before our marriage I have felt disconnected from his family, like an outcast. I've never really felt like I was apart of the family. I felt like the second they found out I was a convert that things changed. But I am completely wrong. This weekend between sessions my father in law called me and asked me how I was doing. He said, "I really want to know how you are."

And for the first time I felt like someone besides my husband from his immediate family truly cared about me. And I opened my heart. I knew the Spirit existed in our conversation and I knew that what he advised me to do to open my heart to forgive myself for being judgmental was not his words. But the Lord's words.

So I started praying, and I really feel like I need to ask for forgiveness from each of them individually. Jeffrey R. Holland said this in his talk and it completely penetrated my heart, he said, "Don't let your remembrance be heavy ladened. Those who have the spirit of contention in their hearts are not of God. Come unto your brother and sister in reconciliation first then come unto to Jesus Christ. Let your wounds be healed and move forward in faith."

THIS is what I needed to hear to know how to forgive and be forgiven.

Now Neil L. Andersen touched on how I can have a happy heart. He said in his talk, "Prepare yourself for hard times and pray for the strength to not just endure these things, but to have optimism and peace through it as well." My family not being part of the church, I thought was the worst thing in the world and I let it dictate the way I have treated others. Others with whom I was supposed to already have called and treated as family.

I have been chosen to follow the gospel for some reason. This was for ordained in the premortal life when I accepted to come down. I know that it is hard to live the gospel on your own, but I also know that it isn't because God hates me that I am going through this, it's simply because I am a mortal going through a human life. I am trying to become a better person, and I went into conference with these questions on my heart about what I needed to do to become a better disciple of Jesus Christ. And this is what Heavenly Father believes I needed to hear and what I need to work on.

I'm not perfect, I do love my Heavenly Father and I do want to be a better person. So I have covenanted with him to stop being hypocritical and judgmental. I was to be a person who carries the light of Jesus Christ and I cannot do that when my heart is heavy.

I'm so grateful for the chance I got to listen to general conference and the impressions that I have felt.

So to end this off, here is a picture of my husband, Jaden, and I at general conference that very first time. A lot has changed since then, not only physically but spiritually. He has been my main supporter through all these crazy trials, and yet he still loves me.