it's okay to struggle

Over the years I've really struggled with finding out who I am. I've gone through phases, liked things, done things, all because I wanted to fit in with a trend, thing or person. One day in high school I just got this idea in my head where I just decided that trying to keep up with everything was too hard and a waste of time. And I literally decided in that moment to care about nothing. Not my clothing, my hair, my makeup, my attitude, my grades, nothing. It was freeing... for a while, not having a care in the world about anything, but after a time it got to be a dark hole. It was day after day of constant darkness. Not once in months did I let myself feel joy. It was honestly the darkest time in my life. It took more energy to be unhappy and careless than it was to care about a thing or two. I eventually came out of that darkness and slowly tried to find myself again. When I finally realized how low I let myself get, I promised myself that I wouldn't allow myself to get to that point again. It's been a hard promise to keep to myself. Life is SO HARD sometimes. Wallowing in self pity sounds pretty good when life really starts to throw curveballs at you. But I have to remind myself, what progress is really going to happen when you allow yourself to be careless? Who is really going to benefit from this bad attitude, these bad actions, and these bad thoughts? It's not you, and if anything it'll be even more damaging to you than you just toughening it out. 

Lately I've been struggling again with keeping that promise to myself. See when the weather isn't at 70 degrees or higher, or if the sun refuses to let itself shine out through clouds it has this crazy effect on me. I call it the inevitable immobilizer. My husband calls it seasonal depression. Tomato, tomato. But the thing is, I'm really trying to deal with it. I have for the past two years living up here. 

So far I've realized that the first few weeks of coming into fall are hard. I think it's the adjustment of coldness that I don't enjoy. As well as the first two snow falls of winter are really hard on me. I just cannot deal with the fact that I am literally stuck in the house because cold frozen rain has fallen onto the ground in such quantity that I cannot drive places. Other than that, I've found myself becoming more used to it. 

My dear husband has seen me struggle with it a lot and has tried to help me like it more - by engaging me in activities in the snow and cold! Like skiing. And we all know how that one ended... Anyways, I hate the snow even more now, and the sight of ski's give me anxiety. But that's besides the point, we both have realized that that hasn't helped me. I still get that inevitable immobilization. 

I try to tell myself that I can do it, and that all these people around me are doing it too. But as soon as I tell myself that, I find myself in this terrible self comparison to others mode. Like how are these girls getting up, doing their hair nice, wearing cute clothes and smiling when it's this cold out and you look like you are wearing your pajamas (because you are) to class? But honestly, I'm too hard on myself. I should be proud of getting to class at all! For getting out the door and trying to tackle the day on! Because honestly, if I walk out the door not wearing enough to keep me warm as soon as I walk out, I walk right back inside and I don't leave for the whole day. Or if I look outside the window and I see it raining, I won't get out of bed. This thing has quite literally ruined my life. I've tried essential oils, heat lamps, therapy, plants, hot chocolate, reading scriptures, priesthood blessings. I feel like I've tried everything. 

The only thing that seems to work is when I call my mom and tell her that I'm not doing good and she goes into one of her beast mom inspirational modes. It's just where she tells me to suck it up, get through school, no matter how cold or crappy the weather is and then move back to San Diego when I graduate, because by staying in bed I'm just pushing graduation off and keeping myself in Idaho longer. AND THAT HITS HOME. 

I don't want to stay here for the rest of my life, mostly because of the snow, but also because I know myself and I know that if I do stay, I'll always put myself through this inevitable immobilizer. And that's not fair to myself. I don't deserve that. So, I'm not sure if any of this has made sense to anyone, but my point to this all is that if you want to keep yourself to your goals and promises, put yourself in the best situations to see those things become successful.

You will face so much unnecessary burdens if you don't put yourself in the best position that you can. DON'T DO THAT TO YOURSELF. Put yourself in a place to be successful, and if you can't right away, understand where you need to put yourself and make that place a goal. 

My goal is to get Jaden and I back to San Diego in the next two to three years. So that means only like 3-4 months of burden a year for the next two to three years until I can put myself in a position to be happy and Valissa again. There is no other person in the world that deserves more love, attention and joy than you. So put yourself first, find joy and let's do this, together. One struggle at a time.